What is Courtship?

Part I

“What is Courtship”? I have been asked this question more times than I can remember through the years. When I explain what it is, most people see the benefits of this approach to a marriage relationship. But many struggle with this commitment because of the discipline and self-control involved in living it out.

Couple holding hands

Growing up, my parents had been taught and encouraged that Christian dating was the way to go. So as a teenager, I sought to have relationships with girls that followed the guidelines my parents had set for me. I would bring my girlfriend to church, youth outings and other Christian activities. I felt I needed a girlfriend to be accepted. My life revolved around emotional highs and lows, and I remember being exposed to many unnecessary temptations.

During this time, I learned of a new approach to guy / girl relationships. They called it courtship. I guess they could have called it anything, but I see now that the word itself distinguished it from dating.

Without sharing all the details, I want to make it clear that I have seen and lived both approaches to a marriage relationship. At first I had little understanding of how one “practiced courtship” or made a commitment to it. Looking back, there are some things my wife and I would have done differently leading up to our marriage. But our knowledge of how to live this out was limited, because there were very few examples of courtship in action.

The following is some personal thoughts of things I have learned, and continue to learn along the way.

First of all let me say, Courtship is not trying to take all the fun out of your youth, but I see the youth of today getting ripped off. Instead of enjoying the freedom of youth, building skills, and character young people can easily become distracted with relationships they are not equipped to conduct. Teen years are those where they have the fewest responsibilities at the same time as having their greatest energy level. These should be fun times! These should be times to grow and be strengthened. It is the time to develop a deep, intimate and personal walk with God.

The easiest way I have found to describe the difference between Courtship and Dating is by asking the following questions.

Dating asks, “Is there any reason why we should get married?”. Courtship asks, “Is there any reason why we should not get married?”.

Dating is opening your heart to various relationships and commitments with no intention of marriage.

Dating – You date to see if there is any reason you should enter into a serious relationship. Dating = TRIAL RELATIONSHIP.

Dating is about self-gratification.

Courtship is guarding and saving your heart for the one God has prepared for you.

Bottom line – Courting is about marriage! You court to see if there is any reason why you shouldn’t get married.

Posted on 7/18/2006 under Pastor Scott's Blog. Comments RSS feed.
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10 Comments

  1. Scott, nice article, I’m looking forward to Part 2. During my high school and college years I was allowed to date. Each relationship ended in hurt and damaged relationship w/the other person. (realizing this is not the case for every dating exerience)

    The main contrast for me between my dating relationships and Tracey and I’s courtship was our parents involvement and the 100% commitment from both of us that we were going to see this through (God willing) to marriage.

    I know that there is not a magic formula (…do these 6 steps and you’ll be married) to courtship or recipe to go by, but I’ve seen these basic principles result in successful relationships.

    9/14/06 by Brian

  2. Thanks for sharing that Scott!

    The \”big courtship talk\” you gave a few months ago has really stuck with me over the summer. At first I didn\’t like it. I kinda wanted to push it aside and think about working on that area later …but it sunk in, and I knew I had to make some changes.

    Thanks for keeping us young people on track! : ) I know we\’re a handful sometimes!!!

    9/21/06 by Sarah Z

  3. As parents that experienced both dating and courtiship with their children I can safely confirm that the best route is indeed courtship. . .we experienced such a peace as we watched not only the relationship between the couples grow but the relationship between our families as well. This was never present in the dating scene.

    9/22/06 by Jackie Biddle

  4. A thought provoking article Scott. Especially relevant to those of us who are college age or there abouts. Although for those of us in college, the challenge is to focus on school and not on the “distraction”. It says in Prov. 24 to “prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field, and afterwards build thine house.” I think that it is important that a student finish college before he should marry.

    Its kind of nice that I can comment on things going on in the church all the way from school. God Bless!

    10/23/06 by Jeremy Gebhart

  5. Definitely a good article. Thanks for sharing, Scott.

    10/24/06 by Beth Ann Johnson

  6. I appreciate Scott’s article and perspective. I’ll just share what I have shared with my sons.

    I use the term courtship to describe 3 concepts.

    1. It reflects a heart of genuine love that seeks to protect the hearts of others rather than defraud them.

    2. It reflects a desire to honor parents, respecting their jurisdiction over their son or daughter and it is committed to honoring parents in accordance with Ephesians 6:1-2. In exchange, the person who honors parents can expect a promise: that “things will go well”. It is ironic that so many young people grow up listening and honoring their parents in everything, but then, when choosing to whom they will give their heart, they forsake their parents’ wisdom, protection and love at a time when they need them most.

    3. It is the yielding of the decision of a life partner to God . This is the only logical response of someone who has truly submitted to Christ as Lord and Savior. The question really for most young people isn’t dating v. courtship, but “Who is Lord of your life?” If Christ is your Lord, then He is Lord over all of your life, especially critical relationships.

    Courtship, as I have described it here, should be no different than any other aspect of the true Christian’s life: it reflects walking in an honorable way by faith in genuine love for others.

    Dr. Michael Jacobson

    1/16/07 by drmike

  7. We appreciate the example you and your family have set for ours.It is not easy raising children in today’s society and your family is such a blessing to us. Thank you for the time and work you put in.

    1/17/07 by alexakos family

  8. Courtship was God,s plan for us…We are still best friend,s after fifty nine years of marriage. God has blessed us abundantly. We enjoy the privelege of serving the Lord togather. Grandpa and Grandma

    3/13/07 by Mom Cornett

  9. can a two months courtship lead to a successful and long lasting marriage?

    10/17/07 by ADEOLA

  10. Hello Pastor.

    Looking back it is interesting that although I went on occasional “dates”… The Lord did not allow me to “date steady” until I was “willing” to marry who He led me to… thus it was not merely for illicit “self-gratification” … He answered my prayer for a female companion only when my will was surrendered… I thank God for His preservation and selection…

    We saw how sovereignly God manifested his blessing on our relationship and brought our families into acceptance of our “dating”…
    I also in hindsight find it much in accord with your exhortation to look for why you “should Not” get married… I promised my wife that if I ever believed that we should not get married that I would tell her immediately … of course, :) I also told her that if I believed that we should get married that I would let her know that too :)

    I was married over four years ago, but your counsel reflects a life of surrender and of remembering your FIRST love that challenged me as I wait on God daily for His blessing in my marriage.

    God bless.

    10/21/07 by Michael

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